November 16th- The first day I got to lay my eyes on my sweet, fragile little babies. In the morning I woke up all ready to go see my kiddos, but was bound and determined not to have to go in my hospital bed. 16 hours after my surgery I was willing and ready for the trip from my bed to the wheel chair...no more than 4 feet from me. I think that was the worst pain I had felt in my life. But....it was going to be worth it once I got to the NICU.
I remember sliding my security card for the first time thinking.....what am I going to see?.....how am I going to feel?.....what are they going to look like? How small is 3 lbs 13 oz / 4lbs anyways??
We pass by the nurses station and into the balloon pod......tears running down my face....there were only 3 babies in our pod at that time, 2 of which were mine so it wasn't to hard to find them. Carson was naked in her little heated isolet. She was the most beautiful little thing I had ever seen.
She no longer had her breathing tube and was only on regular nose cannule (sp?) for oxygen and her feeding tube. She had wires attached to every limb and an IV in her belly button....... tears were streaming down my face. How could I have done this to my poor innocent babies? Was it all worth it? Should I have tried harder to keep them in longer? Were the nurses right??? "The safest place for your babies is inside of you". All the what if's.... did I make the right decision? It was all slapping me in the face.
Alarms were going off all over the pod......how in the heck do you read these darn monitors? So many lines, colors, numbers......
Matt pushed me over to see my little Cooper. He also had his breathing tubes removed and was only on oxygen and his feeding tube. He also had all the wires and an IV in his arm.
They went from being so cozy inside to all of a sudden fighting for their lives.....How could I have done this??????? They may be smaller..they will always be at higher risk for infections, colds , RSV (a respitory infection that can be deadly to preemies), asthma.......because of me. I am stuggling with the decision I made on November 15th 2005. I remember wanting to touch them, but I was soo afraid. How can you be gentle enough to such a tiny person?
Mom dad Riley and Keegan came to visit. How do you explain all of this stuff to 2 yr olds?????? I didn't know even where to begin.
That evening....alive for 24 hours....I once again headed to the NICU...this time a bit braver. The nurses welcomed me and gave me a progress report on both my children. They both recieved A+'s for the day. That's always a nice thing to hear. I also learned that quite a few nurses had already become attached to our kids. It's nice knowing that when I can't be there, there are others who are caring for them.
November 17th...Both babies doing well. Carson has been giving everyone a bit of a scare with her apnea. Bo, that girl can hold her breath! Mom, dad , Riley, and Keegan came to visit.
Novemeber 18th - Had quite a bit of company that day. Mom, dad, Riley and Keegan came again too. We were finding it super hard to keep 2 yr olds entertained in the hospital. Thanks goodness for the flight for life helicopter which was down the hall and out the window. It was the highlight of their day! I had a special friend vist that night. She has been my life line during this whole process. My girlfriend Erin. I am not sure where I would be with out her. You have your special friends who you talk with daily.....yes, that's you Molly......but Erin has been there and done that. Erins boys were born at 29 weeks and were in the NICU for 40 days. Now, they are healthy 3 yr olds who are good friends with Riley and Keegan. Anyways....Erin and I went to visit the kids that night. We scrubed in and headed over to Carsons isolet. After visiting for a few minutes, the nurse asked me if I wanted to change her diaper. I just about freaked! How do I change such a small diaper???? I nervously accepted. Not only are you changing such a tiny diaper...you're dodging different lines in her arm and in her belly button. After changing her, they asked if I wanted to hold her. YIKES!!!!! Erin looked at me and shaked her head yes. I once again nervously accepted. I sat in a rocker and waited for the nurse to hand me my sweet girl. The nurse placed her in my arms and I melted.
3 comments:
Although I know we talked about it when I went through it with Jack, don't ever doubt your intuition on knowing something was wrong and acting on it - your body going into labor was a huge sign telling you that something was not right. Had you not delivered when you did you and those two beautiful babies might only be watching from above right now...then I'd be in the nut house. You were ensuring that they lived, and look at how amazing they are. I'm so glad you've had Erin throughout all of this too - she's so wonderful, and no one can give advice like the voice of experience.
...and by the way I just typed this one handed at 4:30am...nothin like having new babies, eh? I should have just called ya, haha.
I wish I had some eloquent words to express how touching your story is, but I don't, so I'll just say again what a courageous person you are, and how happy I am that all your babies are OK.
Incredible story. Unbelievable strength. And I second "lost a sock"... You didn't do anything to your babies except give them every ounce of life that you could. And as much as you wanted to hold out for one more day, one more hour, one more minute your body was telling you that it had given all it could. Beautiful picture.
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